Revision is my absolute favorite Neville’s technique. It’s a miracle tool. Unless it’s used as a weapon against memories. Then it doesn’t work. Or actually it’s not the tool not working, it’s something else. And I want to explore it here.
Last week I wrote about revision. What it is and how great it is. This week I’ll share with you my very personal story about revising my miscarriage.
My last article’s title is “Yes, you can change your past”. Today’s is “No, you can’t change your past” and I’ll tell you why.
Tomorrow will be a special day for me. My daughter’s second birthday. Kind of. Two years ago, 19th May I lost my pregnancy. And it has devastated my life in all possible and impossible ways.
I revised it a billion times and it wasn’t working for me… Some of you say that revision isn’t working for you either… And there’s one answer for why it is so.
Why the revision doesn’t work?
The base of Neville’s teachings is that our assumptions manifest our life. When I look back at mine I see how true it is. I was ALWAYS getting what I believed to be true and what I was feeling as real.
Before Living with Neville I had another blog, that doesn’t exist anymore. The very last post I wrote on that was about happiness. About how hard sometimes is to let ourselves be happy…
My miscarriage story
Now I know it’s never the case. But back then I felt that I am not allowed to be happy. I had everything I was dreaming of, but I was waiting for permission from the outside to start celebrating it. My happiness didn’t felt like truly mine to me. I felt that I was not allowed to have all of that I had – ( And it’s not a surprise that I lost that all.)
I refused to give myself the right to be happy.
And then I refused to let myself suffer.
The father of my baby had already two kids with another woman and we were together just a few months and blablabla it wasn’t time to get pregnant with him.
So when I started suspecting that I’m pregnant I didn’t want to admit that even for myself.
Yes, I wanted that baby… BUT… it wasn’t the time, it was selfish, my boyfriend’s mother hated me, what about the other kids?, will my mom tell that I am stupid? And so on. I had all of that in my head.
So I haven’t told anyone except my boyfriend who somehow reacted in a similar way to mine. I told him that I might be pregnant. He answered that that would be great. End of story.
So a few weeks later, after loosing my pregnancy, I said that I finally got my period and decided to ignore all of that. Long live repression.
I needed several months to stop ignoring and admit what has happened. I have lost my baby.
Consequences got me in all areas of life and hard hit in my health as I didn’t see any doctor just after…
“The outer world is a delayed reflection of the inner and is confined to a dimension of space where events occur in a time sequence. Revision, then, literally changes the past. It replaces what occurred in the outer world with the revised version. The revised scene then gives off its effect by going forth to change future events.” – Neville Goddard
When I learned about Neville and about revision, miscarriage was one of the main things I wanted to revise.
„ Revision, then, literally changes the past.” – Those are Neville’s words. And that’s what I wanted – to literally change this event and wake up in an altered reality where everything is different. Where I did everything differently. Where everything has happened differently. Where my baby is alive.
I wished I did everything different as guilt was literally killing me from the inside.
But no matter how many times I was revising… nothing was changing.
And it’s only one answer for WHY here. I wasn’t surrendering to my chosen. I was only trying to command things and it’s this one impossible thing. I wanted to change circumstances so I could feel better.
Notice my pattern. Before miscarriage, I was doing it about everybody and everything except me. I wasn’t allowed to be happy until… And after, while struggling with revision I wasn’t making it about myself either. I wasn’t allowed to be happy until…
The whole world is me pushed out – it means it reflects my inside, it elongates me. And I wasn’t ready to give up my sorrow, my regret, my pain. How could I even?
At some point, I had to. I had to imagine myself as a happy, proud mom, who loves her kids and it’s loved by them. And I needed to surrender to it no matter what. (No matter that it still was the opposite on the outside).
“Prayer is to be contrasted with an act of will. Prayer is surrender. It means abandoning oneself to the feeling of the wish fulfilled. If prayer brings no response – there is something wrong with the prayer and the fault lies generally in too much effort. Serious confusion arises insofar as men identify the state of prayer with an act of will, instead of contrasting it with an act of will.” – Neville Goddard
To do that, yes I needed to give up my pain. No science fiction movie trick occurred. I didn’t move back in time. Facts became the same. Two years ago I lost my baby. But now my heart is filled with love. And this year for the first time ever I am able to honor my daughter – because i believe it was a girl.- And I know I will have other kids in the future and I will be a loving mom to them.